Weekend Financial News Shorts (by Biffermas)

NEW YORK—Goldman Sachs responds to accusations.  The following statement in a recent Huffington Post column has executives of Goldman outraged.

"In what some on Wall Street are calling the biggest blockbuster deal in the history of the financial sector, Goldman Sachs confirmed today that it was in talks to acquire the U.S. Department of the Treasury."

“This is simply not true!” responded CEO Lloyd Blankfein, speaking at a news conference.  “The talks never progressed past an exchange of ideas for a merger, not an acquisition!”  Blankfein then quickly changed the subject and stated firmly, “People complain that our average employee, from myself to the lowest secretary, receives a bonus of $700,000 yearly.  Again this is simply not true.  This number is an average bonus; the secretaries receive far less than $700,000.”

 

OKLAHOMA CITY—Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke expressed horror Saturday when he discovered the half-empty Crossroads shopping mall he purchased for $77 million last April doesn’t include underground mineral rights.  “There’s no way the Federal Reserve would have wasted the keyboard strokes to conjure up $77 million in phantom money to buy the mall if we’d known that.” A sullen Bernanke exclaimed.  The mall is currently being offered at $24 million, but doesn’t include the oil rig pumping in the parking lot.

 

DENVER— Man on Message Board Only Speaks Elliott Wave.  Harold Davies, a Colorado day trader trapped on the iBankDimes message board, struggled to communicate with  fellow posters, none of whom spoke the cryptic language of Elliott Wave.  Pasting a Jing link of his chart, Davies responded to a confused poster named The Zombie: “Figure 1 shows that since the 2007 peak the daily record of the S&P Composite index has traced out a series of four discernible pairs of first and second waves, continually developing into higher and higher waves.  Waves i and ii took three weeks; waves 1 and 2 took two months; waves (1) and (2) took seven months; and primary waves 1-2 so far have taken two years.  As of this point, the last two pairs of durations have an identical time ratio, as 2/7 = 7/24 = 0.29!  P

The Zombie replied, “I’m 3 liters deep in local brew and watching football.  Later.”